“I think you still hold that filipino mentality pretty closely.” I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. Good for your well-being and potential for happiness. And I think it’s really difficult to break free from the principles you were raised upon. In my mind, I’ve broken free from almost everything I was raised on. Once I felt like I had completely negated all those principles, I was unable to find any to replace them. Now I’m completely directionless and without purpose, and I’m extremely conscious of the fact that I’m disconnected from the earth. Maybe I’m not drowning but floating away. As hard as I try, I can’t think of a single thing I want to accomplish in the long term. I don’t really believe in success because that would imply that we have a purpose and that there is an end state other than facing death. The only things I want are certain experiences and feelings, and I want to understand them. I want to be free to choose the experiences that I have. There’s no way to measure success in that regard. It’s just taking advantage of your consciousness before it runs out.
I think what’s also important is who you share experiences with. Loneliness is definitely a real thing. Understanding and compassion help to put you at ease in times when you feel lost. Another huge problem I have is that relationships that you form with others create an emotional responsibility for them. There’s nothing physically compelling you to uphold that responsibility, but most people are compassionate, unless you are a sociopath. Or maybe sociopaths are just smarter than the rest of us and are able to dispel feelings of compassion with logic. But if I do want valuable relationships in my life, now I’m responsible and now I’m losing my freedom to only make decisions on my behalf. Is it worth the compromise? Can short-term relationships in passing satisfy all of our social needs? I don’t know. I’d like to think yes. That would allow a better chance for freedom to make completely selfish decisions. Not selfish in a bad way, but beneficial to you.
I think people should make decisions based on their own well-being. You should only help people to the extent that you’re helping yourself. Sacrifice is never the right answer. Giving yourself to others creates need where it’s not necessary. It creates dependency and constancy in expectations. Constancy in expectations in a world where people are constantly changing is bound to bring about disappointment and resentment.
I’m rambling. I read too much. I think too much. I don’t even know if I agree with what I just wrote. I give so much of myself to others. Not because it makes me happy, but I know they care about those things (like money) and they can use those things, and I know I don’t care and I’ll waste it,
and if you want my life, or anything I’ll gladly give it up. Can you tell my life is completely fucked?