so it’s been a long time coming. i’m twenty years old and although i think it’s okay that i don’t know what i want to do with my life, i’ve accepted it. i’m finally happy and wow has it been a very long road back. i went through the worse break-up. it made me weak. it made me fat. it made me a completely different person. it took me down this path of not knowing who i am anymore. and now that i am finally happy, i can’t seem to keep my parents happy. i can’t find that balance.
school is taking me in no direction. and i hoped by my third year i wouldn’t be like this. and by “like this” i mean in college still trying to figure out either what i want to do or what my parents want me to do. all i can really seem to do right is get in trouble.
this weekend was quite possibly one of the best “soul searching” times i can imagine. i had a 10 hour+ drive to west virginia with two people i barely knew with no phone service. these guys taught me a lot about myself. mostly how much i lack self confidence and commitment. and these aren’t just things i can magically tell myself to do or characteristics i can just gain. and yeah how much of a slap in the face for someone like me that has taken on how many leadership positions? i let myself down more than i let others down.
i got separated from my friends on a trail for a little over 2 hours. and usually, i would be bored but i took advantage of the situation while still keeping an eye out for them. i rode by myself and did what i really wanted to do. and at the end of it all, we found each other on a trail where we cruised down and didn’t even have to say anything until we raced to the bottom psyched to find each other. in between it all, i met some uplifting people. “lift talk” it what i’ll call it. one time, i was sitting at the park waiting for my turn, i see this little kid, possibly 7, grind a rail taller than me. me, amazed, haven’t seen anyone really do anything as clean as him, even people double his age. he rides up behind me in the singles line and asks to ride the lift with me. in an effort to give him some encouragement and i said “hey that nice what you did over there, little man.” and he was psyched someone saw it. and we talked about riding alone and i asked about his parents and he said they were too busy working all the time to ever do anything with him, let alone watch him. i wanted to cry. it reminded me of how when i was younger my parents were never there to watch recitals or come eat lunch with me when all the others kids parents were. and i guess that’s why you never know how good you can be at something when you don’t have a support system. i told the kid to keep his head up and i asked what he wanted to do with snowboarding and he replied, “it’s fun, it’d be cool to go pro.” i told him, “you will. just make sure you keep your dream in front of you. it’ll come to you. just make sure it stays fun.” i hope he knows that he doesn’t suck and some jackass kid doesn’t discourage him. but most of all, i hope he doesn’t lose self-confidence as he ages. stay young forever, kid. at lease live in the mindset as long as you can. because i don’t know where i left my self-confidence behind at. somewhere i took on more responsibility than i should have and growing up came faster and now i’m sitting here at least trying to spread some wisdom to the younger folk.
and now that i’m home, i feel like a little boy more and more. all i want to do is watch snowboarding videos or read snowboarding magazines and watch tv or movies about snowboarding. it’s all right there, but it’s not. these people are literally living the dream and i have to sacrifice it all to be stuck in a classroom for the rest of my life where i could also end up in an office wondering WHY THE FUCK I decided to make someone else happy and live to their high standards and expectations. this guy i met on the lift, just moved back from colorado. he would literally eat, sleep, and breathe snowboarding at breck and vail. and i am even more jealous of the fact that he did it because he wanted to. because he wanted to live his definition of “the dream.” he went to colorado and lived with a bunch of guys embracing the lifestyle. at least he knew what his dream was. i can’t even figure out what i want for myself anymore because i have so many other people telling me what i should always be doing. i just need to do what i did when i was riding and realize that i’ll find my way back one day. hopefully, sooner than later.
and to top it off. i’ve turned into all the other people i told myself i would not be. who knew how hard it was to go to class, and actually pay attention in class and follow through with assignments and bookwork. it’s so hard to force yourself to be interested in something when you know at the end of it all, it’s going to be the same whether you finish or not. at least at the end of it all, i can say i finished something. but who values it more? i guess its cool to have something with no value to yourself nowadays.
i’m convinced there’s no other way to find out:
JUST DO IT.