Who am I and Why I’m here

I don’t have Facebook, Snapchat, or Tinder. If you want my attention, this is the place to grab it. I started this blog in 2009 on a trip to Japan for various reasons: I wanted to remember the trip, I wanted to share my experiences, and I wanted to write outside of my then undergraduate career. My blog, if not my journal is my landing page when I need to do something that makes me happy and stay busy. It’s my own version of arts & crafts, especially since I don’t like dumping my ideas on my friends.

I continue to blog, just not publish anything public…until recently. It wasn’t until I moved away from my hometown and met a handful of people that I realized how much communication, especially writing is so crucial for survival.

Jillarae: the quick facts.
My favorite color is forest green. Born again rock climber, bookworm, mountain lover, and stamp collector (please see passport). I dislike text messaging, so call me. I love lists and I write everything down. Words are my weapon of choice, so I appreciate people that are as good as their word. Otherwise, don’t waste my time. I’m a true Leo and take my form as a snake.

What’s your a/s/l? Just kidding. But I think that gives you great context for the generation I grew up in. Thanks blogging, this is America Online…

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Play your part

During my commute this morning, I thought about the periods of my life when I was the happiest. They were truly short lived. If anything, they were stunts that all happened at the same time of the year, the fall and the winter months. It makes me laugh because they were times I failed, miserably. I laugh at myself often because it helps me cope with the fact that as long as I can remember things never work out how I plan. It’s all part of His plan, I guess.

You can always rely on two things to really wake you the fuck up: desperation and failure. Desperation when you’re hungry, you’re weak, you’re unhappy, you’re vulnerable. Nothing says shit just got real like being hungry and tired. Nothing brings you closer to reality than being cold and being cold means you’re closer to death. Remember that. Failure will always be my best measurement in life because it means I am trying. Lately, I’ve been trying a lot.

Perspective is funny. I read about it all the time. The people who work in corner offices and we think they have and can do it all. The doctors and the lawyers and the paths of least resistance. There are so many decisions, experiences, and factors we can’t control that build us to be these characters in our lives and other peoples lives. It really makes me wonder if I am always going to have to play a part.

Keep your heart 3 stacks, keep your heart.
These girls is smart, 3 stacks, these girls is smart.
Play your part

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Do only what you can do best

You have the ability to make art. and for me, for so many of the people I know, that’s been a lifesaver, an ultimate lifesaver. It gets you through good times and it gets you through the other ones. Sometimes, life is hard. Things go wrong.;  in life, and in love, in business, and in friendship, and in health, and in all the other ways that life could go wrong. When things get tough, this is what you should do: Make good art.

The one thing that you have that nobody else has is, you – your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write, and draw, and build, and play, and dance, and live as only you can. The moment that you feel that just possibly you’re walking down the street naked exposing too much of your heart and your mind and of what exists on the inside showing too much of yourself that’s the moment you maybe started to get it right. -Neil Gaiman

Where would be the fun in making something you knew was going to work?

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“Make glorious, amazing mistakes.”


The possible vs. the impossible. Imagine where you want to be. Ask questions. Support yourself through your words.

I tended to do anything as long as it felt like an adventure and stopped when it felt like work. Which meant that life did not feel like work.

You need to be thick skinned. Learn that not every project will survive.

Originally posted on The Daily Post:

In Neil Gaiman’s now famous 2012 commencement speech at the University of the Arts, he offers some excellent advice to free us from perfectionism, imploring us to simply create — to make art — no matter what. What’s wonderful about this advice is that it applies to any creative endeavour, regardless of whether your art form is writing, drawing, painting, sculpting, or découpage:

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good…

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Yeah, me too.

Now Playing: Dashboard Confessional – So Impossible

Do you ever look at your phone, open a text box, and just start typing? “No.”

Yeah, No. I was just kidding… stupid question. Forget I asked.

[I never sent that text message, by the way. For the same reasons we all don't: I fear rejection.]

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Risk More: All In

Now Playing: Billy Joel – She’s Always A Woman

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this. C.S. Lewis

Blame it all on yourself. To avoid love, is to find Hell.

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my job is to find the truth

People who are guarded are afraid… that you can see right through them. That’s why they hide behind layers of secrecy or humor.

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faith, hope, and love

Now Playing: Whitney Houston – How Will I Know

I always think I ask myself the wrong questions. Why am I spending so long preparing for something can’t be planned? or worse, isn’t guaranteed? I guess that’s why faith is so important for me. I will fight for you, whoever you are until my dying day. I already know I will love you more than you’ll ever know. You surprise me everyday, with how much I learn to love myself without even knowing you. This is a reminder to my future, that I know you are worth the wait. The sacrifice, the stupid advice, and the pressure – it’s all worth the wait. Maybe one day, you’ll read this. I secretly hope you find this and you’ll know it’s about you. Because the silence between us is killing me and this is the only way I can think to ‘explain myself.’ I am taking care of myself for you. I don’t want you to do anything for me, but I know one day we will need each other and that’s when I can admit defeat. I want to be strong for you and I want to do the best I can everyday, because of you. Never underestimate the power of love.

I say a prayer with every heart beat.

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labor day

Today is the day I am going to spend doing everything I want to do because that is what labor day is for. One day, I hope I can find a place where work doesn’t feel like work. My playlist will be perfect because every song will send me down memory lane and I love entertaining myself with laughs from the past. Someone will text me good morning, and a joke because THAT is how a good day starts. I’ll look outside and see the mountains and smile because this is everything I ever wanted in life – A chance at stillness and the opportunity to be alone outside of my head.

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I can’t believe I fell in love

Summer love definitely made its way to my friends hearts this summer. I’ve seen them all at their best and their worse. It’s so crazy but I learn so much from them and their relationships but at the same time – it’s stuff I already know.

My friends are really good books, no bull shit – their lives are real page turners. I know I carry a piece of them with me everywhere. When it comes to love, I get excited when they find it and I feel it when they hurt. I get it.

I’m going to start with the one thing that everyone thinks should be at the end – the grand finale. Love. LOVE is a fucking beautiful thing. It’s all knowing. Love is something to work towards and work for everyday, it’s a beginning to an end. Love will control you, consume you, and make you think because love IS a beautiful thing. People will hype it up and tell you you’re supposed to feel one way but the truth is – you know how you feel. My advice: Know yourself before you add another person to the equation. Get your shit straight, know what you want, and don’t be afraid to ask for it. The better you know yourself, the sooner you will find love. You will find it in all the right places with all the right people. I just think that’s how the world works – it works for people willing to put in the work and then one day you’re gifted with something great. or fuck it, something magical happens.

Don’t rush. Don’t wait for it. Don’t plan for it. but make a sincere effort. This is where I think you should really gamble. If you’re going to do any kind of gambling in life – do it with love. This does not mean playing with someones heart. Use your fucking head and know what you’re doing but be prepared for when things don’t go your way. Test yourself. Be willing to compromise and sell yourself because if you didn’t know – life is also about sales. Sales and love… Yes, they work together.

Check yourself, before you wreck yourself. [Word is bond!] Failure, embrace it. Learn from it. Take your time with it. Life is all about trial and error, use failure as a checkpoint. I am not saying when two people agree not to be together or things happen unexpectedly that it means failure or that sometimes timing is not right – that is also not failure. I just mean that sometimes, things don’t work out. Be happy it didn’t work out and be glad that you just get another chance with someone else to make it better.

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