Is it bad that a part of me wishes you were dead already? At least I can preserve any good memories I have left of you. I want to remember you as a good person, that’s it. I just wish that once, you would realize how lucky you are. Because yes, you’re just lucky. I’m just patiently waiting for your bad decisions to finally have a bad outcome.
The last thing I said was ditch my number, bye. I meant it. I still mean it. I wish you understood how hard this is for me. I woke up this morning, and felt…closure. What a relief. Making a decision never felt better. I finally did something right. It’s been the longest 6 years. I knew I was in a good place 5 years ago but it feels really good to know I tried. Five years later, feels amazing. It’s brand new. And reflecting on everything, I wish I didn’t try. I wish I wasn’t so stubborn and listened to what everyone else was saying. I wish I listened to you! People like you bring out the worse in people and it’s scary to think you are okay with it. I’m trying to remember why I liked you to begin with and fuck, why so much?
I hate when the past calls. It has nothing new to say. This time, it did. He told me he loved me. Then, he was gay. And today, he fell in love with a girl he met on tinder.
Time to say goodbye. I’m so happy you broke my heart because loving you was too hard, even on a good day.
Loving you is a like a song I replay. Every three minutes and thirty seconds of every day and every chorus was written for us to recite every beautiful melody of devotion every night. It’s potion like this ocean that might carry me in a wave of emotion to ask you to marry me and every word, every second, and every third expresses the happiness more clearly than ever heard and when I play them, every chord is a poem. Telling the Lord how grateful I am cause I know him. The harmonies possess a sensation similar to your caress. If you asking then I’m telling you it’s yes. Stand in love, take my hand in love, God bless.
The more you establish yourselves as individuals, the harder it is to come together. It’s only easy when two people are working towards the same goal.
Being happy is a decision and right now I can live with making not so great decisions. Not making a decision is worse. I feel paralyzed.Walls keep going up and I keep my thoughts to myself. Not having someone to talk to, is what makes a person think they are going crazy. or even capable of crazy. I know this feeling too well, and I hate it. Currently, I’m living vicariously through the old me. Telling myself, time heals everything. Looking at how happy I was means I can get back there, it is something to look forward to. Making a plan to get there is up to me. Sticking to the plan, holds me accountable. But really, who cares about accountability. If you want things to change, you’ll be responsible and confront your fears up front. I’m just as much of a coward for hiding behind my words and getting lost in literature and another person’s broken promises. Now, it’s okay to laugh because there’s comfort in knowing things still scare you, even at twenty-four years old. It’s funny when people say happiness is not a place. For me, happiness has always been a place even if sometimes disguised as a state or some in-between time. It’s definitely times, days, and weeks like these that you remember what makes you happy. Cherish him, or her. Cherish them. Cherish it.
I wish you didn’t exist.
Days like today, I wish I was still in college. I miss being able to say what’s on my mind and being challenged everyday. I miss meeting new people and being around younger, open minded individuals – people that are excited about life, everyday. I miss having the time to pursue my own interests and explore others.
What sucks? It feels like the “real world” never takes me seriously. People look at me differently because I’m a girl and I’m young. My ideas stay ideas, even when backed with lots of research. LOTS OF FACTS. It’s discouraging but it’s days like today I wish I could just rock climb, snowboard, and daydream about living in the mountains. Being happy is love to me. So, Happy Valentine’s Day.